As needless and numerous books on the self help topic
have made manifestly obvious, all of y’all suck and desire  
the sort of direction only the randomly written word can
provide. What seems to separate the mish mash of tomes
available is the net result of what is promised. Your ACT
scores will improve. You will put love in your life. You will
make better use of your time. You will somehow be
transformed from a disorganized disgrace to creation into
some time defying deity of neatness and good
punctuation. Moreover all of these supposed books are
offering methods to be followed in easy steps set out for
dummies. All of this is decidedly wrong. Despite this, Mister
Fun has decided to regurgitate all of the advice ever given
in all of the other self help books in condensed and pithy
form. (At least it’s shorter.) As you will find out, any social
objective can be achieved in THREE EASY STEPS! Unlike
others, we are not making concrete hollow promises. By
the time we are through with you, it will not matter what
your station was or what you, in your pre-manifesto state,
thought your objectives or performance expectations may
have been. You will be that changed!
Preamble (the preceding should be considered a Forward. This, the proceeding, is a preamble,
which in most cases is just another knob job selling you on the idea that you can remake reality to
your liking or wish yourself rich or some other nonsense. In our preamble we just include a
nebulous philosophical confection, which we either didn’t have a place for or which would have
been repetitive had we included it in the actual steps. As for the steps themselves, we are skipping
the ‘always be smiling’, ‘get organized’, ‘remove clutter’, ‘become a positive emotional magnet’
compulsory sections largely because they are contrary to our overall point--the world is vague
place with a short memory--and because we are not being paid by the word.)
The universe is void for vagueness.
By this we are not suggesting that matter is completely
without rules, since that would make us Christian
Scientists; which means that we couldn’t take drugs
(YIKES) and that our children face a distinct possibility of
dying due to some preventable cause and/or will simply
hate us for raising them in a neglectful cult with a neat
newspaper. Nor are we suggesting that people are without
weight or the ability to take up space. If those two traits
were the sole measure of mankind, then a great number of
you would be approaching Socrates levels of substance.
(That would be a fat joke.) No, what we are suggesting is
that most social environments, those places away from the
computer keyboard, those places away from interaction
with pets and your stamp collection, those places such as
the bus, the relationship you are having with a significant
other, the people in your family, the people at work, your
cell-mate and all of those places where you are compelled
to deal with folks you could be thrown in jail for smashing
over the head with a blunt or blunted sharpened object.
Yes, those places. Yes, those people. We aren’t about to
tell you how to figure these people out, given that they
haven’t figured themselves out and seem to roam in lazy
orbits unless prompted by biological whim or the imposition
of outside forces (threats, mostly) in which case they seem
to fail randomly until freak energy is spent and then loll
about moaning or, by contrast, are simply always in some
state of lolling about and/or moaning.  We’re not even
asking you to not be one of these people, as if you could
escape it. All we are asking you to do is follow three easy
to use steps:
1.        Abort Your Inner Child

2.        Never Actually Say Anything

3.        Seek Petty Authority
Having seen the titles of the three steps, many of you are pre-imagining what they are. You may
even feel that you don’t need the steps now that you know what they seem to be. You now ‘get
it.’   To those of you who feel this brave right at this second, we invite you to go ahead and give it
a try. Step right up, suckass. We will be right here. Go ahead.

Told you so.  
Before embarking on using (or even
reading) the following steps, it is necessary
to accept two important, different, similar
and frankly not all that funny concepts.
People make sense of reality by two
different processes. (These would be the
two concepts that we told you about, also
known as things you should have known
before we listed the three steps and/or the
‘is the computer on?’ step in customer
service lingo.) These processes are known
as Assembling Ambiguity and
Disassembling Ambiguity. (These terms are
proprietary.) In both processes, the user is
navigating in an indifferent world whose
order is shifting with rules that are vague
and whimsical. We call this reality. It is not
necessary for the user to recognize this as
reality and we in no way are proposing to
instruct you to accept this. Frankly, we don’t
care and it probably doesn’t matter one itty
bitty little bit what your mini mind thinks
reality actually is. The only thing ‘you’ or
anyone like ‘you’ knows is what ‘you’ or
‘anyone’ perceives as their place in this
reality space. Moreover, like a driver
without a map, but a fairly good idea of
where things are based on landmarks, you
only know where your place in the space is
based upon perception of relative
distances. You may not know where truth or
victory are, but you are sure they are not
near the 7-11. You may not know what an
intellectual actually is, but you do know that
you are smarter than Nancy.
In Assembling Ambiguity, the user guides
himself through landmarks which are both
positively and negatively charged. Positively
charged landmarks may be freely hit up by
the user for spare change, cheap
meaningless feelies, food or ammunition.
Negatively charged landmarks cause the
user to change his behavior, such as a road
that is closed for no reason, a loan officer
who laughs at you application, a boss who
demands performance or anything that will
cause the user some loss in resources.
Many people spend the entirety of their lives
shuttling between the two types of
landmarks in hopes of gaining an
improvement in landmarks. Objects, people,
events which have neither a positive or
negative value, the user attempts to assign
a value to. This assigning of values, often a
random process, is what characterizes the
Assembling Ambiguity operant mode. In
Disassembling Ambiguity all of the above is
also true, except that those objects (people,
events, things) which are neither positive
nor negative are simply ignored.  Finally, it is
important to absolutely understand that
people will switch modes by the blink.